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THE WEEKLY NEWSLETTER OF CLIFTONVILLE HOCKEY CLUB

 RESULTS, SATURDAY 10^th FEBRUARY 2001

THIS WEEK, SATURDAY 17^th FEBRUARY 2001

FORTHCOMING MATCHES, SATURDAY 24^th FEBRUARY 2001

  CLUB HOUSE DUTY = THE SENATORS

DATES FOR THE DIARY

Club Supper – Saturday 24^th February
Club Dinner Dance – 31^st March 2001

No Bonus Ball Winner

Club Lottery Numbers: 13 17 22 27 36 41

Match Reports

Ladies vs. Folkestone, won 4-2
I am writing this after 4 large glasses of wine, holiday happy as I am off to Austria skiing tomorrow.

Goals: - Claire - 2 (usually keeper or sweeper) (what on earth am I doing wrong - Miss Parsons) Catherine - 1 - she did it in the eventually!

Cathy - 1 - bloody hell - this was scored from a short corner! And sorry for missing your assist the week before

Gob of the week - Julie Cobb - she didn't shut up all game - but we love it. And she had a good gob on pitch!

Quote of the week… Sharon Quy-Verlander - "I had the biggest blow ever last week". Say no more, but this lead to a very sordid conversation amongst the ladies XI.

Nice to see nearly the whole team up at the club last week.

HOPE YOU STUFF ASHFORD NEXT WEEK (I'm off skiing - Sarah, sort out the gobby one!)

Finally - we went to Neasdon for a thrill…

Trace

 
PS Heather, kick arse out of your seat, in future!

1st XI vs. Maidstone, drew 0-0
Games against Maidstone are always very tough, closely fought affairs, and this game proved to be no exception. Our task was made especially difficult with the loss of skipper Graham Brooks 90 minutes before the game due to illness.

Maidstone enjoyed much of the possession and territorial advantage, without really creating a significant number of clear-cut chances. This was due to some very good defending by the whole team. On the few occasions where shots were made Ed Chater on goal was equal to everything with a string of fine saves. Cliftonville's attacking opportunities were limited, Don Elmore having a well struck short corner saved and Neil Jordan narrowly failing to turn in the rebound. Simon Ballard also went close with a deflected effort that hit the keeper rather than being saved.

Half time was reached without score, and miraculously without cards as the tension began to rise, especially in the Maidstone camp. The second half continued where the first left off. Resolute Cliftonville defending, and some help from the umpires at both ends of the pitch preventing any score.

As Maidstone pushed ever harder for the winner they felt they deserved, a series of short corners mid way through the second half proved to be the closest they came to scoring. Tempers began to boil, as for a change our opposition rather than us became ever more frustrated with the umpires. It is to our credit that Cliftonville in the main continued to concentrate on winning the game rather than moaning at themselves and the umpires as Maidstone did. This was despite Andy Dunn getting an elbow in the face (Yellow card for the perpetrator) and Olly Chapman being floored by a knee-high stick.

Cliftonville took advantage of the extra man, and began to push forward a little more in the last 10 minutes, and had opportunities to take all the points near the end. However, the result was our first clean sheet of the season, and the first points taken off Maidstone in a number of years in the
league. A great effort from everybody in this game, epitomized by Matt Young dashing 60 yard back in to our D to nick the ball off the stick of an unmarked attacker as he wound up to shoot in the last few minutes.

If the spirit and determination showed by all 12 players in this game is repeated in every game to the end of the season, then league survival should be guaranteed.

Finally, a word about Mr. Jes 'One in and one behind' Parkin who played the best game of football I have seen in a long time. One of the umpires was even reported to have said "You had no choice but to deliberately kick the ball when he went past you like that." And still no card...

Neasden!

Steve Burton

3^rd XI vs. Canterbury, won (yes, WON) 2-1
“ ‘What is our aim?’  I can answer in one word: ‘Victory!’ Victory at all costs, victory in spite of all terror, victory however long and hard the road may be: for without victory there is no survival.”     

Many are the tales of ancient times as noble knights rescued terrified dragons from the clutches of ravenous princesses, people fought and died for their belief that the Earth was hexagonal, Wales won battles (known as rugby) and even more remarkably, Cliftonville defeated the mighty Canterbury.  Surely these are just myths and legends, passed on from generation to generation by word-of-mouth?

One of these battles occurred in the early days of the twenty-first century at the field name after Jackey the Baker.  I shall set the scene…

‘Twas a cold, slightly overcast day as the ‘young’ men of Cliftonville took to the field, sticks in their hands.  Before them stood the Goliath, a giant almost invincible in it’s victories over lesser mortals.  But this Canterbury had not reckoned upon the power of belief, determination and GENERAL GARY’s quick pre-match fag.

LORD MORGAN (for it was he who led the home troops) decided to place 3 men at the rear and 2 at the front, leaving the other 5 spread across the field as an impenetrable wall.  The banshee-like wail from L’Umpire was heard and battle commenced.  The Ville-ians attacked as one and almost dealt a mighty blow within the first few skirmishes.  This was to be the pattern for the events that began to unfold.

With the return of SIR DAVID the ABLE and SIR DANIEL of LEWINGTON into the middle, SIR GRISHKA of the COLD-CLIME was able to strike terror into the very heart of the Cants Of Bury.  It was he who dealt the first blow as AUSTIN the PIPER and the aforementioned SIR DANIEL caused havoc down the left-hand flank.  Cries of joy were heard from those on the field along with both of the ‘multitude’ who had come to spectate upon the day’s events.  It was important to concentrate and not to become over-confident, as an injured beast can be more deadly than it may first appear.

At the break in proceedings both MORGAN and INGOLDSBY spoke to their men.  LORD MORGAN did speak of his worries about letting our guard down and congratulated his men on half a job well done.  GENERAL GARY concurred.

Canterbury fought strongly after the cease-fire and almost dealt our heroes a mortal blow.  Fortunately LORD MORGAN deflected the shot despite having not the merest inkling of where the ball might be.  Ville’s spirits were raised and we sent forward our cavalry in the shape of the Ginger Winger KRISTOPHER o T’UPPER who beat the Keeper of the Goal with consummate ease.

Then, disaster.  Within one minute of what we had believed was the deathblow of our opponents, they did retaliate and strucketh back immediately.  LORD MORGAN appeared to lose his head and remarked upon his men’s similarity to old offal.  But most strange, the pressure began to tell more upon Canterbury as they fell out amongst themselves which was a most unexpected boost to the Ville troops.  Grit and determination and no lack of endeavor were seen on the field during the final few moments.  The banshee-wail was heard again and the Ville-ians cheered as the ghost of Canterbury was laid to rest… 

Throughout the Ville there was much ale and rejoicing, while in Canterbury there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth…

The Men: LORD MORGAN DE NEASDEN, ROBERT the MACER, EDWARD the FOSTERER, GENERAL GARY IRONBELLY, ADAM STRICKEN but not defeaten, GRISHKA of the COLD-CLIME, GREGORY HOWARDIAN, DANIEL the LEWINGTON, DAVID the Cain and ABLE, KRISTOPHER o T’UPPER, MARK the KEENEST, AUSTIN the PIPER.

Spanky

Senators vs. Sutton Valence, won 7-1. (Reeves & Neylan Kent Veterans Cup)
Cliftonville travelled up to Sutton Valence on Sunday in the preliminary round of Reeves & Neylan Kent Veterans Cup to take on old rivals Sutton Valence knowing that a tough game was likely to be had, especially as due to sickness and illness, Cliftonville could only raise 10 players. Cliftonville however started the game the stronger and playing the better hockey and it was not evident to spectators on the side that Cliftonville only had 10. After dominating the early encounters, Cliftonville started to be pushed back into their own half and on more than one occasion, Sutton Valence forwards missed open goals having exploited the extra player advantage they had. It was therefore with great relief that from a Cliftonville attack, Dave Burney managed to get a stick on a shot into the D and deflected it past the keeper to give Ville a 1-0 lead. Sutton Valence came back strongly in an attempt to equalise and did so in an arguable manner. With one of the Sutton Valence players holding his head after having been badly hit in a tackle, a Ville defender put the ball off the sideline to draw the umpires attention to the situation. Upon the restart Sutton Valence smashed the ball into the D whilst the Ville players were expecting them to put it off the backline and just walked the ball into the net to equalise. This act probably spurred Ville on with a greater determination and as the halftime whistle approached, a short corner was awarded to Ville from which Richard Bateman flicked the ball over the onrushing goalkeeper and just under the bar to give Ville a 2-1 lead at halftime.

The halftime team talk centred around the need to ensure that Cliftonville remained firm at the back as Sutton Valence would throw everything at them as they had a number of substitutes to bring on. There was still a need to ensure that we threatened the Sutton Valence goal to keep them from coming forward en masse. The first 15 minutes of the second half saw Sutton Valence attempt to steamroller their way through the Ville defence, in more ways than one, and only excellent covering work at the back by James Goatcher and Nick Leach-Bing and a number of fine saves by Chris Burton in goal ensured that Ville's slender lead was still being maintained. With Sutton Valence stretching themselves to obtain the equaliser, Ville did come close with a number of breakaways and it was from one of these that Dave Burney picked the ball up just over the halfway line and outran three defenders and took the ball round the goalkeeper to slot the ball home from an acute angle to give Ville a bit more of a breathing space. Sutton Valence were left no choice now but to throw everybody forward and within minutes Ville were awarded a short corner when another move was illegally broken down and Gary Ingoldsby's resulting shot crossed the line to put Ville comfortably in the lead. Ville having been released from the all out desperate defence to stave off the equaliser, suddenly took control of the game at this stage and imposed themselves on the game with their superior passing and ball skills. It came as no surprise that further goals were to come and these came from Jez Parkin, Dave Burney in scoring his hat trick and Nick Alder.

Whilst the scoreline might flatter Ville at the end of the day, the game was won by the excellent midfield trio of Ray Setterfield, Stuart Jones and Jez Parkin whose control of the midfield and probing passes to set the forwards away ensured that even despite the extra player that Sutton Valence had they could not make the most of it. It was a first rate all round team effort to which everybody contributed 110% and ensures that Ville will go forward to play Maidstone on 11 March.

The Leader (or he who must be obeyed)

Court and Social

The following is taken from an email from Mike Tyler to Jon “Sea Cucumber” Lambert.

“…But the highlight of the weekend was using my cheap electric chain saw from B&Q. I've been excited about using this chain saw for the last 3 weeks but rain has prevented me from trying it out.

What a buzz! To think of all the years I have spent having a hand job! Unfortunately after an hour the chain came off and the thing broke. As usual I had not bothered to keep the receipt, so Sunday was spent taking the thing to pieces. I forgot that it had a reservoir of oil inside to lubricate the chain, which was very forgetful since I had only filled it the day before. Next thing, I have screws all over the table and as I'm wondering how they will all go back together, I feel a cold damp feeling in my crotch and down my leg. It has been some time since I had a feeling like this and just as I'm beginning to enjoy it, I look down and see a large oil slick spreading across my trousers. I suppose it will do wonders for my skin. Anyway I grabbed a load of kitchen roll and mopped up the spreading viscous mess as best I could and then took off my slippers and trousers. At that very moment in walks Hayley through the back door with her friend Emma. "What are you doing Dad?" says Hayley, with Emma staring at a rather grey pair of Y-fronts, un-matching socks and oily legs. "Playing with my new chain saw I reply." They both disappeared up to Hayley's bedroom and promptly locked the door. I never saw them for the rest of the afternoon.”

Exchange in registration on Monday, by Dave Morgan.

Pupil: How did you do against Canterbury then?

Dave M: Oh, we won.

Pupil: What, with you in goal? Were you on sterilizers?

Dave M: I think you mean steroids...

Pupil: Oh.

Quote of the week…After scoring on Saturday for the 4^th XI, Roddy described it as “My first headless moment in years”!